I leaned over to cover him with the blanket he had been promising to give away to charity for years, and I kissed his forehead, as if by doing so I could protect him from the invisible threads that kept him away from me, from that tiny apartment, and from my memories. As if I believed that with that kiss I could deceive time and convince it to pass us by, to return some other day, some other life.
I stopped writing when you were gone. I wonder if anyone will make me feel that much again; to be so struck with wonder that I can hardly contain the words - watching them as they almost flow through my fingertips and to the pen like rain from clouds on a stormy day.
I hope so. I really hope I can love someone the way I loved you.
It hurts less and less every day, and I guess that’s the way life is. People leave. You leave. Things go on.
If any of you are heartbroken and feel as though you can’t find the will to love again, please know that you will. And it will be wonderful.
Just let go. Let yourself let go. There are millions of people out there. Don’t let yourself fret over just one. Don’t lose yourself over just one. You will never see the countless, beautiful opportunities if you keep your eyes low and your heart tucked away.
When you find it, and I mean really find it - past the look-alike’s and the tricky ‘could-possibly-be’ - it will be worth it. Don’t ever let yourself settle for less. If you think you deserve better and that someone isn’t treating you right, then you probably do and they most likely aren’t.
Find yourself, and shine bright.
You forget all of it anyway. First, you forget everything you learned - the dates of the Hay-Herran Treaty and the Pythagorean theorem. You especially forget everything you didn’t really learn, but just memorized the night before. You forget the names of all but one or two of your teachers, and eventually you’ll forget those, too. You forget your junior year class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friend’s home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. For me, it was something by Simon & Garfunkel. Who knows what it will be for you? And eventually, but slowly, oh so slowly, you forget your humiliations - even the ones that seemed indelible just fade away. You forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not. Who went to a good college. Who threw the best parties. Who could get you pot. You forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved, and even the ones you actually did. They’re the last to go. And then once you’ve forgotten enough, you love someone else.
— Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac - Gabrielle Zevin
mint green
“homesick for things that make me feel lonely. Like how different you are from me. It makes me so sad sometimes because it forces me to recognize how I just don’t fit with other people. people like you, all hot blooded all wonder struck and careless. I’m homesick for things that make me tired. How I cried in the backseat in Oregon underneath the blanket so neither of the boys would know. Didn’t make a goddamn sound. And in Colorado I slept between passive bodies of water and waited softly as I listened to strangers I would never know live their lives around ours. And I momentarily ached for them as I momentarily ache for many things that are sometimes sloppy and hopeless, like penny wishes, like begging loose stars to grant you dreams. You’ve asked me once if I ever did dangerous things. I instantly thought about the way the sky’s mouth gaped at us that thursday after a wednesday when we didn’t sleep and you said something to me like “Look at the way it’s opening up for us like we could jump into it” I thought about the things I said that got lost in the cross fire, bits and pieces splayed chaotically through out the years of our noise. How you always knew when to look at me like you could love me and never look back. How did you always know when to do that? How I shot the song that rose between us like plumes of smoke. How I knotted our parts together for worse and for better because we were sadder songs before with harder words that hit like side ways rain and slammed into themselves like mistakes. I chased after people with such a sincerity it could split stars, splinter sunlight, I could fracture darkness with it. But you wouldn’t believe me. You never really knew about dangerous things.”
(Source: likelava)
